Season 7  
Week 3

Weekly Report

Three weeks are gone and although there's still plenty of time, certain truths have already been established. Will Levis ain't winning the MVP and Brad's Kittle Chubb ain't winning this league. If there's any consolation to the cellar dwellers of this league, it's that this season has been…odd…so far. Tyreek Hill is looking potentially benchable, Sam Darnold is looking like a legit QB1, and if you drafted Kelce…you're on your own, kid. It's not that you're a bad fantasy football player -- it's that reality isn't working the way it was supposed to.

Sometimes in life, things don't work out the way we hope or expect. I thought I had Olivia Valentine locked in as my date to the Sock Hop in 7th grade, only to have my proxy get rejected by her proxy in front of the entire school. The Greatest Show on Paper came into this week optimistic and instead got dismantled in every conceivable way by Kroenke Trouser Snakes. A loss this public and substantial is gonna sting for…oh, I don't know…24 or so years. Her name was freaking VALENTINE. And she messaged ME on AIM first…

You know that one kid at the laser tag place that clearly was NOT there for fun? Everyone else shows up for a 9 year old's birthday party and is joking around. This kid is in full fatigues and he has army crawled through the fog to secure a prime position in the loft. He's sniping kids who are dumb enough to be giving away their position (aka talking) in the arena. Jauan Jennings was our week 3 laser tag psycho. He's taking that weird printout they give you of the stats and framing it. Pulling it out years later to try to impress grown women with his 4.5 KDR. He's unencumbered by pesky concepts like "having fun" and "enjoying himself" -- this man is locked in and beating some ass.

Rashid Shaheed simply looked like ass.

Time to celebrate elite management. Tua in da Stank secured 99.5% of their possible points through razor-sharp lineup moves. Now, let’s be clear—nobody gets this good all on their own. Mastery often comes from watching others fail loudly and publicly. Jerry Jones has been ass for so long that there's basically a de facto guide on how to own an NFL team. In the same way, Tua in da Stank is standing on the shoulders of idiots, mainly Brad's Kittle Chubb, who provided a masterclass in fantasy mismanagement. Let’s give credit where it’s due.

You hate to see a team slip up this early in the season. After a decent outing, You Are Worthy has regressed to the tune of -37.58 points vs last week. If they keep this pace up, our proprietary machine learning algorithm suggests they will somehow score negative points by the end of the season. They need to work on their team the way we need to work on our algorithms.