Season 7  
Week 6

Weekly Report

We’re closing in on the midway point of the regular season, which means one thing: midterms. Are you a poindexter who’s been preparing for weeks—winning games like a total nerd? Or are you one of the cool slackers in the back, shooting spitballs and playing Snake on your TI-83? We salute you, Hit and Ruggs. Don’t listen to what everyone else says—you’re not a loser. It takes a special kind of confidence to be this bad, this fast.

Speaking of slackers, Lt. Dans Battleship knows what it takes to just scrape by. This is the kid in class who’s legitimately smart but just can’t be bothered to do any work. Skating by solely on talent, they picked up a win this week while scoring a…let’s be honest…unimpressive 86.86 points. Are they going to go to Harvard? No. Are they going to win this league’s championship? Of course not. But they picked up a W this week and have skated on to week 7. Adequate job.

Yikes. Did anyone see Dak Prescott this week? Me neither. Sometimes, a guy just needs to recognize when it’s not his week, season, or perhaps even era. Like if I tried to exist in any era other than the one that’s literally happening right now, I would be dead. One day in a blacksmith shop and there’s 3rd degree burns on every person in that shop. I’m not gonna sit up and read by candlelight at 5:30pm when the sun goes down while half of my family is in here coughing up some Oregon-Trail-ass disease. No internet? No me…simple as that.

This week’s worst manager is Nick Sirianni. We at Fantasy Genius have taking the extraordinary step to spare Pierced TD's from having this shame bestowed upon them this week. I love when someone manages to be the perfect mix of a moron and an asshole. If I were as bad of a coach as he is, I’d be out here trying to convince everyone I’m either nice or fun to be around just so they don’t fire me out of sheer pity. But not Nicholas John Sirianni. Nope, he chooses to yell at his own fans after beating... the Browns. Congrats, man. You did what no other coach has managed this season... except Mike McCarthy, Brian Daboll, Antonio Pierce, and Dan Quinn. The cream of the coaching crop. You can be an idiot or a jerk, but ya can’t be both. 

Hmm, I’m really struggling to think of what I can say to keep Lt. Dans Battleship engaged in this league. Uhh... you can do it? Don’t give up? Everyone thinks you’re super smart and you totally still have a chance! Wow, that was painful to write. I won’t lie to you, Lt. Dans Battleship—things are looking grim. But hey, if you somehow acquire better players and make smarter decisions, maybe you’ll shock the world! Use this as bulletin board material!