Season 7  
Week 9

Weekly Report

Matchups
3 Finger Combo in da Stank squeaked past The Comedy Crew131.34 to 123.6 in a Maximum Stress matchup that felt like having to parallel park with a line of cars behind you. “I do this perfectly when nobody’s around. Why should this be any different?” you think as you botch the first attempt. Now it’s decision time: concede to a humiliating public defeat and go to a different taco place, or commit to a high stakes second attempt? Ten seconds of pure agony. Win or lose, both teams are relieved this one’s behind them. In case you were wondering, the correct answer to the parking dilemma is to take the L. Go home, pack a bag, assume a new identity. Get on a Greyhound bus. Any Greyhound bus. Ride until you see a place that reminds you of nowhere. For the rest of your days, pray to whatever higher power you believe in that nobody from your old life ever stumbles across this place.

MVP & LVP
Jaxon Smith-Njigba was a force to be reckoned with for Lt. Dans Battleship, netting 37.0 points in a monster performance. You love to see a guy put the Team On The Back – he’s like the one responsible friend at the bachelor party that agrees to Take It Easy for the last night and drive everyone home. We salute you.

Management Botch
In an ordinary week, I would call out 3 Finger Combo in da Stank as having extraordinarily poor judgement this week. But they have been bailed out by a nameless Penn State fan who talked shit to Jason Kelce. Some of us are kinda dumb – maybe you forget to pay the credit card bill, struggle with mental math, or like 3 Finger Combo in da Stank, make some boneheaded fantasy football moves from time to time. But no person reading this is as dumb as the guy who decided to accost a freakishly athletic 300 pound corn-fed monster by attacking his family. Honestly, what’s so awful about this is that the burn makes no sense. You want to talk shit about my brother? Me too, that guy is annoying. But you gotta come up with something better than attacking him for having the most famous woman in the world as his girlfriend. Maybe this starts a new trend where you say extremely nice things about people but in a mocking tone. “Screw you man! You have a beautiful family and everyone loves spending time with you and hearing your thoughtful reflections on today’s society!!! You seem to really have your priorities straight in life!!! Lmaooo pathetic bro!!!”

League Rankings
We love to see growth: in personal journeys, our user numbers, and of course, in fantasy performances. Shout out to The Comedy Crew for their impressive 7.74-point leap from last week. This kind of glow-up shows guts: taking a long look in the mirror, accepting your flaws (and let’s be honest…there are plenty), and decided to take control and improve your circumstances. We respect it. Love that for you.